Coming Clean
by Just Playing Along
Summary: Hanna finally tells Caleb about her eating disorder, and they work through both of their fears. Set somewhere around season 3. TALKS ABOUT BULIMIA. Please, please, PLEASE do NOT read if it could trigger anything!


Caleb had called Hanna for what had to be the tenth time that day. This morning he assumed she had slept in, at lunch he assumed she was off campus, but after school when she still hadn't called any of her friends or him, he began to worry. 'A' still wasn't backing down, and if something was going on with her he wanted to know about it. He _needed_ to know about it. So he went to her house, not bothering to knock and slipping in the back door.

"Hanna?" He called up the stairs when he didn't find her in the kitchen.

He knocked softly on her door before pushing it open, "Han?" He said, quieter this time.

He saw a lump in her bed, which he assumed was her sleeping body. Slowly, he crawled up next to her and rubbed up and down her arm. Not wanting to leave without knowing what happened, but also not wanting to leave her, Caleb laid next to her and slowly drifted to sleep.

He awoke to the sound of coughing and what sounded to be soft crying. When he opened his eyes he realized that Hanna's door was open but she was nowhere to be found. He wandered out of her room, worried that something really was the matter. But when he found her on the bathroom floor, leaning her back against the bathtub, he forgot everything and rushed to her.

"Hanna, what happened?" He asked, sounding alarmed. He didn't hesitate to kneel next to her and wrap his arms around her, but she pushed him away and bent towards the toilet. He prepared to hold her hair back, but she just coughed and retched, never actually getting sick.

Again Caleb softened his tone and murmured small things like "I love you" and "you're alright".

After she was done she fell back onto him and was crying quietly, "What are you doing here?" she asked after several silent moments of him rocking her back and forth.

He pulled back so he could look at her face, "I was worried about you. You didn't answer any of my calls."

She looked down, "I turned off my phone this morning," she told him quietly.

Normally, Caleb would accept this. But not from Hanna, she didn't turn off her phone. She was practically always on it, and when she wasn't, it was beeping or buzzing incessantly. "Han. What's up," he said sternly, but still soft enough so she wouldn't get angry.

She sighed before realizing that he wasn't going to look away until she answered him. Just as she was about to open her mouth, another round of nausea hit her and she lunged for the toilet, without anything coming up. "Go wait in my room." She ordered between gags.

He slowly did as he was told, not wanting to leave her alone, but he knew she was probably embarrassed (for what, he didn't know- as he had seen many people be sick and he had taken care of her when she was sick). When he got back to her room he paced nervously around, extremely upset that he couldn't help Hanna with whatever she was going through. She came into the room about five minutes later and weakly walked past Caleb to lay in her bed. "Hanna." He said for the umpteenth time, waiting for an answer.

She looked at him with a scared and tired expression, seeming to have an internal battle, before breaking down and sobbing into her sheets. Bringing a trashcan by her bed just in case, Caleb went to her and held her again while she cried.

Hanna knew she could trust him, but this was something that only five other people knew, not including Ali or 'A'. She wanted to tell him, but she was scared. Scared that talking about it would bring up the hurt that came with it, scared that his eyes would lose some of the sparkle they had when he looked at her, scared that he'd say she was too much trouble.

She situated herself in his lap so that his arms were wrapped around her and her head was on the side of his neck. "Caleb, I-…you can't be mad at me." But she knew he would be. "You just have to let me get through this…" But she knew he wouldn't.

He took a deep breath, "why don't you start with why you turned your phone off?" He offered, seeing how difficult this was for her.

"I turned my phone off because I didn't want 'A' to shoot me a 'just thought I'd remind you that I'm still here and control your life' text." She said simply.

Caleb's arms tightened around her, "Why would 'A' do that? What happened?" He asked, pretending to be casual, but Hanna could here the tension- and anger?- in his voice.

Hanna tightened her grip on him and pushed her head into his chest. "You need to here the whole story…" She took a breath and prepared herself for his reaction. "Remember I told you I used to be fat? My nickname was Hefty Hanna… I hated it. I hated it so much that I started to hate myself… and Ali-" She stopped when her voice cracked, Caleb held her tighter, knowing that she didn't like to talk about her old friend very often. "Ali told me how to fix it… So that I'd be like her: skinny, and beautiful. "

Caleb pulled her back to look at her face, "Hanna I don't underst-"

"I was bulimic!" She practically shouted, widening her eyes when she realized she had blurted it out. She put her arms around Caleb's middle, but his fell loose around her. She sighed, expecting this. "Caleb, look at me… This morning, I almost got sick. I turned my phone off because-"

"Hanna did you relapse? Is that why 'A' would text you? To tell everybody that you had a _relapse_?" he set her off of him and began to pace her room again. He was livid. He knew he shouldn't be, he knew it was probably the worst thing for him to do right now, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't angry that she was doing this, he was, but he wasn't going to tell her that. He was hurt, disappointed, lost, and he knew she was too- but he was absolutely _pissed off_ that she didn't tell him sooner. "And what about me? I'm supposed to find out through '_A' _that you're doing this?!"

She sat motionless on her bed with glassy eyes, staring at the same spot on her wall. "Hanna." He sad her name very loudly and she flinched, finally looking at him as her tears fell uncontrollably and she started shaking. Moving he stomach muscles so much upset her stomach again and she grabbed the trashcan Caleb put near her bed, sobbing and gagging into it. He moved to her and rubbed her back slowly as guilt rushed into him, realizing that he made her sob and upset her again.

He didn't know what to say to make it better. He was always in control and it made him feel so helpless as he sat, trying to soothe her. He felt tears come to his own eyes as her sobs echoed around the room, and he had acted like a complete ass and didn't even let her finish her story- just blowing up at her when he knew this wasn't something she could help.

"Han, I'm sorry. Shhhhh, calm down sweetie, it's okay, shhhhh" He said in a quiet voice.

She finally stopped heaving and sat up, not looking at him. "I turned my phone off because I _didn't _want to have a relapse."

After minutes of Hanna sniffling and Caleb holding his head in his hands in silence, she continued. "'A' is going to use this against me, I know it. When I woke up this morning and almost got sick, I assumed I had some kind of bug… But I didn't eat anything because I felt nauseas, and then I started thinking if 'A' knows about this, if she uses it against me I don't know if I could-" She stopped, taking deep breaths and trying to calm herself down. "I don't know if I could handle it. It will make me relapse, and I-… I don't know if I could handle that… I'd hate myself… And obviously- you'd hate me too." She finished and began sobbing again, unable to stop her voice from cracking at the last statement.

He had been listening to her entire story, feeling more and more guilty that his temper had gone off and he hadn't stopped it. But when she said he'd hate her, he lost it. He grabbed her in his arms and cried with her, leaning her head in his chest and letting his tears fall on her hair. They stayed that way for a long time, him crying almost silently, and her shaking into him, rocking back and forth together.

When she had calmed down somewhat he spoke. "Hanna, I could never hate you," He whispered roughly. She looked up when she heard his voice crack and teared up again when she noticed for the first time that he was crying too.

"You got so mad at me…" She almost whispered.

Caleb sighed and stroked her face, wiping away her tears, while she did the same to him. "Hanna. I want you to listen to me, " he looked down and took a deep breath before continuing, "I get mad at you almost every day. I get mad because you wear high heels all the time, or make me clean out my locker twice a month… But never has the word _hate_ come into my mind. Hanna, I _love_ you. But that doesn't mean I can't get mad at you. I also know that after you started making yourself sick, it wasn't up to you anymore. I am disappointed that you did that to yourself, but I also can't imagine what you must have been going through… when you were talking- I did think of the word hate. Because what you just told me, makes me hate Alison. Beyond belief. For taking this _beautiful, strong, amazing _woman, and making her feel so horrible," Caleb kissed her forehead with slightly shaking breath as he tried to keep it together, "I am so sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, or let you finish your story. The reason I got mad isn't because I _thought_ you were- doing this- again, it was because I thought you were keeping it from me. We can't do that. Okay? Everything that's happening with 'A' is stuff we can't control, and this is something that I wouldn't be able to control. And I felt helpless, and scared, and I just-" He broke off leaning his head into Hanna's shoulder and sniffing loudly as more tears came from his eyes.

Hanna let his words be processed by her brain while her heart was beating lightning fast. It wasn't often she saw Caleb cry, but this was the most upset that she had ever seen him. Normally he would stop at just being angry, and she sure as hell didn't think she had ever heard him say the word scared. She sat up more and hugged him while he wrapped his strong arms around her and held her to him like he would die if she weren't there.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling all of this beforehand," Hanna whispered to him, "I just didn't know if you would think less of me." She felt his head nodded quickly and he began to breath slower, telling her that he had stopped crying. She kept her hold of him but moved her head to the side to kiss his cheek. When he felt her lips he smiled and turned towards her as well, kissing her gently. He pulled her to him and turned her around so her back was leaning against his chest, and they rested in her bed in comfortable silence, both processing what was said.

After about ten minutes, Hanna's stomach growled under Caleb's arm and her eyes got wide. He chuckled, "Someone needs dinner," he told her, slowly getting up from underneath her.

"No, I'm fine," She said sweetly as her stomach growled again.

Caleb looked at her before raising his eyebrows and waiting for her to give him an explanation. She fell backwards and burrowed herself in her comforter before mumbling something Caleb couldn't understand. He got down next to her and leaned his head to her ear, "I couldn't hear you, babe. What?"

She huffed uncovered her face, which he now saw had tears running down it again. "I'm scared." She whispered. "What if I throw it up and then I can't stop?"

Caleb's heart melted at her words. She sounded so much like a child having a horrible nightmare. He gave her a gentle look and kiss before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her into the kitchen and setting her on the island, blankets and all. "Sweetie you need to eat, okay?" When she shook her head and looked terrified, he walked closer to her and stood at the edge of the island. Wrapping her blankets around himself as well, he held her hands in both of his. "Hanna it's okay that you're scared. But look at me. You are so _amazing. _You are strong, and brave, and you're not the same person you were back then. You're incredible. And you're hungry. So I am going to make you some toast and a banana, and you're going to eat it when you feel like it. And I'll be there. And I'll hold your hand- just like right now- and I'll tell you how beautiful and absolutely perfect you are. And I'll secretly stay the night after your mom goes to bed," He finished grinning at her mischievously before giving her a peck on the lips and going to get the bread.

And Hanna couldn't deny it, she was pretty hungry..


End file.
